No. No. Don’t tell anyone!

“No. No. Don’t tell anyone!
That would be embracing the defeat.”
said the transmitter
“You are the one. You are the only Neo in your Matrix.”!!!

“But how do you fight on…
Alone!
While so many of them are crawling under your skin
eating their way up through your spine, to your brain
to cut the last drop of you will,
now I have no fin”

May be.
May be just this time, it would be different


(Hands, calves, thighs, full of thinly sliced scabs,
with the prophecy of sharp edges only I survive)

Some peeled up. Some still raw.
Some show decay like they were skinned with a saw.

I do reach out to the sane.
There they are, the self-proclaimed well wisher with those open arms
and a warm cold smile, and the mysterious mane.

“I feel miserable…
…terrible and sad.” I say
“So what!
A lot of people have life worse. Cheer up!” They say

“My mind hurts…
…Feels like a prison” I say
“So what!
Just man up & snap out of it” They say

“I feel lonely & hopeless…
and so helpless”
“So what!
you choose to be by yourself, you are careless”

“I feel paranoid…
…Crippled by my fears”
“…so what! it’s just in your head. Get a hold on your self. Bring back the gears”

‘Life is only once’ they say
‘you are wasting it your way’
‘But what about the thousand deaths I have survived and rehabbed
All alone!’ I ask
‘No. That’s not normal.’ They say.

Defeated.

Medicated talks, pills & syringe.
(hand cuffs too)
would give some respite
said the

Doctor,

But, I don’t want them…
slowing me down as they push me around
that’s not right, that’s just not MY NORMALCY!
I am nothing without my powers, but a leash would do,
All I ask for, please doctor, ‘make my monsters just enough fancy’

{walks through the door
closet opens
a small bag full of old junks
there you go… an old leash!}

I have it.
My normalcy back.
Finally walks out…
And oh! that laughter. So infectious, so wide
but charm, they lack.


It’s Loud. Hundreds of people.
I can’t focus… I can’t move.. .
I… I… I can barely remembe…
crawling on the floor I try to find a groove

but what is!

‘Breathe. Just Breathe!’ they speak
(‘Stop the Drama already!’ they think)

And soon again I am back in my den at my rock bottom
& by my side, only my dogs…
broken on the floor, I look up
wondering…
how again come these fogs…

– Almost a daily ordeal of a Schizophrenic.

 (by rustedbougainvillea)
Advertisements

The ‘first’ second chance

One can be a strong enthusiast and carry an extremely positive personality, but when your own life sets it’s sail to bring you down, no necessary help is a help other than your ownself.

8 years ago, it was rock bottom for me. And with personality disorder back then and the voices, there was hardly any true identity of self thst I could remember. In that conundrum of coincidence, I decided to give up. It took me 19 pills of sleep inducing medicine and reaching that brim of an edging slumber to realise… may be I have an idea to work it out. Give it a second chance. Give my life a second chance.

Then there was a will to live at that point when it was just seconds away from death. May be I can call it a near death experience or a calling of life. I dragged myself up and induced vomiting and drank a heavy load of water. I was all alone all that while with my personalitis hovering and voices screaming to give up, but I latched on. Focused on living that life that I always dreamt of. I am extremely proud of myself for that moment. For that was the moment I was born again. It’s one thing to choose a difficult life with your sanity in place another to choose that life when you have no idea where imagination and reality merge.

There has been many dips after that, even a few rock bottoms for my that rock bottom but I have always looked and found a reason for another second chance. Inspired by the first one.

(by rustedbougainvillea)